You Don't Know.

I never knew Sydney Taylor Bruning. And I'm not going to pretend like I did. I can't say she was sweet. I can't tell you how funny she was. I can't even tell you the color of her eyes.

All I do know, is she isn't here anymore.

Suicide isn't just some thing we hear about on the news. It's something we keep hushed and hidden in the back of our closets. More people than you can imagine have considered it at one point or another, and have even tried. But you don't hear about it. You don't know that the girl who sits next to you in math, thought about how easy it would be to get the gun her dad has in his room, last night. You don't know that the boy that sits behind you in science has counted and recounted the pills in his bathroom, trying to decide when to swallow them.

Honestly? You don't know.

If there is one thing I've learned in the past three years, it's to listen. People just need someone they can trust, who will JUST listen.

Tonight, all I've been able to think about, are my friends. I don't know what I would do, if any of them died. And if they were to take their own life? I would honestly feel... I don't know. Empty, but at the same time, full of regret, doubt, and hate. I would lay in bed awake all night, every night, running over it in my head, wondering what I could have said. What I could have done. Anything. Everything. It would be a vicious cycle of knowing that it doesn't matter what I could have done, because you can't change the past.

Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.

So my final thought. I love you all. And if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I really would love to listen. I don't believe in judging, because trust me, I have my own issues. Every person deserves to know how beautiful they are. How smart they are. And how much they deserve to be happy.

-A

It's been a Long time.

Alllllllrighty lovelies. I know I haven't blogged in forever. Obviously! I don't care to go into immense detail, sorry not sorry. {I feel like I might come off as raging. But I'm not, not entirely.} Anyways, so let me just hit the main points. They are as follows, in chronological order of course:

• I started to move to Lindon
• I got a real job...
• Christmas happened
• Still moving
• New Years haha oh my
• Finished MOVING!
• Finally found someone to ask to preference!
• Finished my All-State piece
• End of the Term {dun dun dun}
• I TURNED EIGHTEEN!!!!

I obviously saved the best for last. Well not really, because it's the most recent. But it's still the best... So here is my story! Every year, and I mean, besides the ones when I was like five and had princess parties. My birthday has sucked. It's kind of like New Years. My expectations were always too high. So in a way, it's my fault. But this year? It was Amazing. Words can't describe. So I guess neither can I. Just from beginning to end, everything was good. 

Like ok, you know how people wake up wanting to feel older, or feel different? Yeah, that totally happened. It was kind of... ok hold on, I'm at a loss for words... let me thesaurus something real fast... ok. It was staggering, brilliant, remarkable, phenomenal, odd, significant, noticeable, unique, memorable, and over all, just life changing. I mean obviously. Nothing is the same. I'm different, my life is different. 

So I woke up a new person. But most importantly, I woke up ON TIME. It was so nice! 

Oh, wait, we have to go back a day. I stayed home on the 10th. Usually I stay home on my birthday, BUT my math teacher so kindly put a test on the last day of the term, that couldn't be retaken. Oh and it just happened to be January 11th, which just so happens to be my BIRTHDAY. ugh. I was a little mad. It's fine. So me and my mom went up to this great little Italian place in Salt Lake, and then she gave me this ginormous cookie. It was a good time.

Anyways! I went to school on my birthday, got tons of Happy Birthday wishes, a few presents, and life was good! Then for lunch, Danielle took me out for lunch to kneaders. Soooo good. Thank you thank you, can't thank you enough. I love her, this girl has been there since the beginning of high school when I needed a new friend. She is amazing, and I love her more than chocolate. That is saying a lot. {for your information}

Then school ended, I ran Logan home, then went to Keilani's. {I have to rave about her for a minute. She is one of the most caring people I've ever met. Everything she says is sincere. She can take any crappy day, or even decently good day, and make it a million times better.} And she took me to Zupas!.. I was super hungry, ok? We ran into Megan, who was my best friend all through elementary school, and Jr. High. It was a pleasant surprise. I ordered the Mango-berry salad. it's definitely my favorite. And the french onion soup. Then? After we finished at Zupas, we were off on an adventure. Between partying, good music, new friends, a surprise present, the outlet stores, pop-rocks, cherry vanilla creme soda, losing my phone, and some snow, it was amazing. We ended the night watching Coyote Ugly, and I drifted to sleep first. Which is always the worst. At least for the other person haha. The whole night had sort of worn me out. 

Then to make it better? When we woke up saturday, we went and picked up Jojo, and while we were gone, Keilani's mom made us German pancakes for breakfast. If you've never had them, you need to! They are now my favorite breakfast food. They are just that good. 

So, over all? Best birthday yet. Thank you just doesn't even cover it.